Mainstream Friends How to make them after Long Term Homelessness

[Dominic]

Everyone’s journey is different, but time and again this issue of how to make friends in life after long term homelessness and outside street life keeps resurfacing.

Now you have adequate shelter, how do you connect with the community and make friends in John Q. Public land?

I’m putting this question out there to those who have done it successfully and also to those who are lonely and wanting to get insight from others who have walked a similar path and made friends.

It’s been said time and again in these forums we speak a common language and ‘know’ each other, can post and be accepted and understood here in this community.

Making friends after homelessness is difficult.

So if you have experience or tips or frustrations this is the thread to share that.

[Punter]

Great topic Dom.
After all if we define homelessness as a lack of connectedness with community and family etc how do we establish that connectedness once housed.

The simple answer would be to try to establish contact with family. Make friends where you are living. Participate in sport or hobbies that will enable you to interact in social groups. Make friends at work if you are employed.

However in reality it's not that easy.

Just because you're housed your issues don't disappear. If you are dealing with mental health issues, addictions, stress from previous violent situations it's very difficult to make friends who you can be honest with about your past and present issues and who will accept you for who you are.

To illustrate this.... after finding housing and employment since being on the streets 3 or 4 years ago, I still found it hard to make real friends. I was still dealing with a gambling addiction which meant I had little money to do activities where I would meet people. I didn't want to tell my co workers about my issues thinking it would restrict trust I had built with them. Basically I found it almost impossible to meet people who I could trust and be close enough to be totally open and honest with.

So you develop friendships but not true friendships not friends who really know the real you. Consequently when I went through a rough patch over a month ago making some terrible decisions and doing some stupid things including losing my job I found myself on my own on the street again.

In that 3 or 4 years I had made friends even had a relationship but when I hit rock bottom again apart from 1 or 2 really close friends none of those friendships were strong and honest enough for me to go to the friend for help. Basically this was my fault, I was the one who was not prepared to be fully open, I was the one who retreated to my cave and tried to deal with things on my own.

In the last few weeks i have been totally open with a couple of my closest friends and after being really angry at me initially they have accepted me for who I am and have helped and supported me.

So I guess I can't provide an answer as to how to make friends and connect with the community but I can give people some advice.

Be as open and honest as you possibly can with people who you trust and believe will be a close friend. If they walk away from your friendship then they were not a true friend anyway. If you're not honest with them you will not be able to count on their support when/if you need it in the future. I'm not saying pour your heart out to every person you meet, but every friendship/relationship will have a point where you need to be totally honest and open to take the next step to a lifelong friend level of connectedness.

I'm looking forward to seeing more replies to this thread so I can learn from others.

[Dominic]

That's a gutsy and humble response. Thanks for your reply.

[Tom.]

I think that this is a very difficult subject to comment upon, but I agree wholeheartedly with Punters advice about being honest with people from the start.

Personally, I have never had a problem with making friends. The circumstances that rendered me homeless meant that I had to start all over again in a new city. (London.) I knew no-one when I arrived here as a homeless person. Now, after eight years of being on the streets, I have a large social circle, or should that be ‘social network’ of friends. Obviously many of my friends are homeless, but many of them are not. They hold full time jobs.

It has been said that the largest cities in the world can be the loneliest places in the world. I can verify that from my observations of people here in London. Not just homeless people, but jo public at large. Being without friends, and /or being lonely, is not just a homeless persons issue. In a large city like this there are many people that feel isolated. Being in employment and having a home to live in does not mean that their lives are without problems.

We live in an age where distrust is a major problem. We are all aware that friendships can be hurtful at times. I think that learning to handle that hurt when, or soon after it happens is very important.
Many homeless people that I know still hurt from situations that happened in their past and it still hurts them to this day. In many cases it is a contributory factor to their homelessness. Having been badly burnt by the fire, they are reluctant to go near to the fire again. Perhaps we can all relate to this. We are all casualties of life to some degree.

Coming to terms with what hurt us in the past, however painful that might be, is essential.
I think that unless we address that issue in the first place, we will be handicapped by it, making it more difficult to address it in the future. It can fester in our minds and poison any chance of moving on and forming new frienships.

It is easy for us to comment upon someone’s ‘attitude problem,’ but have we the courage to stop and consider our own attitude? Maybe that person with an attitude problem has got problems of his/her own, be he/she homeless or not. Are we prepared to acknowledge that? If we can accept that, and not retaliate on such an occasion when we have been victims of it, we can gain that persons trust, and even friendship in the future. This can break the cycle of tit-for-tat exchanges that hinder a way forward.

Only by being totally honest with ourselves, can we begin to be honest with others. Just a friendly smile sometimes can remove many obstacles between strangers and initiate a conversation.

It worked for me, maybe not 100%, and there are still those that I gave up on a long time ago .. but life is like that.

[Punter]

Originally Posted by Tom.

Coming to terms with what hurt us in the past, however painful that might be, is essential.
I think that unless we address that issue in the first place, we will be handicapped by it, making it more difficult to address it in the future. It can fester in our minds and poison any chance of moving on and forming new frienships.

It is this point that I have always struggled with. I consciously do not know and do not understand what "hurt" me or has caused me to undertake the pattern of behaviour I do.

As a rational person if I don't understand it, I can't address it. I am the beginning of working with a Psychologist to hopefully "unlock" the reasons behind that "hurt". Until I understand that I don't believe addressing my behavioural issues will be successful. It's just taken me a hell of a long time to realise all of this.

I wholeheartedly agree Tom. Until those issues are addressed the individual is handicapped in addressing any other issues such as addiction etc.

[Tom.]

I think it’s called "slaying demons" Punter, it takes courage to do that. Fortunately I slayed my demons a long time ago and re-took control of my life, but I do not for one moment pretend that it was easy. My life back then was full of mundane routines and meaningless tomorrows. It's not like that anymore. In a strange sort of way I came out of it a lot stronger.
I am far more tolerant of others, and indeed now in a position to try and help those that are still struggling with themselves.

It seems that you are well equipped for the job in your openness and honesty. Perhaps ‘truth and reconciliation‘ begins with re-establishing ourselves, and then onto mainstream society?

Good luck to you, and I’m sure that your openness will be an inspiration to many others.

[Olivia]

That's a tough question but I think the previous posters have done well in answering it.
I guess I'm lucky because most of the friends I have now I met while on the streets and most of them have been in various states of homelessness themselves, whether it was on the streets, sleeping on friends couches (couch surfing) or living in a tent in the forest.
I'm not the most outgoing person but this year I've decided that I want to change that. So when I meet new people I try to get a conversation going. I'm normally very open about my experiences with homelessness and prostitution and I've found that most people are interested and would like to talk about it. There has been the odd occasion where I'll meet a new person and before I tell them anything about me they might make a derogatory remark about homeless people or prostitutes. All my friends will kind of catch my eye and we'll make faces at each other. Haha. I just laugh it off.

I figure not everyone I meet will be someone I want to be friends with, and if someone doesn't want to be my friend, I don't really care. I have a small close group of friends that I can really trust and talk to and that I know will be there if I need them, whether it's a place to stay or anything.

My advice is just to be honest and open about what you've been through, and let people see that you are still a good person even though you've been on the streets. I have found that most people are willing to listen.

[peeper]

i have been homeless for years;i'm 51,benn on gthe street since i was 15. i lived my life as a drifter.i learned from the old-timers.all my friends took care of ourselves and we lived good.now i'm right in town and most local homeless are pretty much assholes.most are druggiesand always broke aand when they do have something,it stays in thier back poket.i still live good and take care of myseelf i never eat at soup kittchens ,don't stay in shelers,not ever.folks don't ever return my generosity. they never see me,they just see a jug and a pack of cgs coming down the street.then there's the citizens.i'm never welcome in a church,aand how much of my stuff has been stolen from them!i even had some bitch citizen steal my dog,my best friend.and yet ,because i'm homeless, i'm the bad guy and thier the good people.it took me 5 years, but i'm now etting a place to call home.can't be friends with the local homeless;be honest with the citizzens,do you really think you'll be invited to thier house? and if you are, do you really want to be friends with them, knowing that a few weeks,a month ago before you got clened up they woulnd have given you the time of day.never mind acepting you into thier country club[church].anyway, this is obviosly a big concern of mine;because how do i make friends. and i don't want a place to live and be a hermit in society.you'all have a nice day!

[Dominic]

Hey, welcome to the forums, and cheers for your comment. A whole lot of people won't give you a fair shake in John Q. Public land, and have no interest in anything other than themselves. Regardless of who you are, one of them or whatever (same for everyone). There are however a lot of people who will give you the time of day and won't judge you by your past.

But it works both ways, you have to give people a chance despite their mainstream background and take their life experience into consideration and give them a go too.

If you get a say in where you live, ask for somewhere at least a bit of the way out of the centre of the city... and in the suburbs preferably, close enough to a train station.

That's really poor form that that your dog was stolen. I have a dog, Labrador. I don't think you get much say, but I'd mention to whoever is deciding on the place you mentioned you will soon get... if you hope to have another dog as there may be an opportunity for a place that would suit a dog (no idea, but ask now as it may be an option).

[Tom.]

Hi peeper welcome to the forums.

Thirty six years of living on the streets is a very long time, and I guess that you have many stories that you could tell us.

I'm in the UK and I have just found somewhere to live after spending eight years on the streets. We also have homeless people here in London that have spent thirty plus years living rough. It is their preference in most cases. many of these guys helped me when I first became homeless.
Even in my eight years of being homeless I have seen the changes, many of the old school have passed on now. There is a new generation of homeless people living on our streets with a different set of values to what we were accustomed to. It sounds like you have the same experience in Wilmington.

As for your dog being stolen, that's sad .. We have the same problem here in the UK. Beggers tend to use dogs to draw attention to themselves. People generally like dogs and they are used as bait to attract the punters sympathy.

Moving into a place of your own will not be easy after all the years that you have been without a home, It will take a long while to get used to the changes in your life. The desire to be back doing what you are used to will be strong. So strong in fact that many people walk away from their accommodation and go back to their old way of life as homeless.

I have known many to do this, they tend to look at their old homeless lifestyle with 'rose tinted glasses' and forget about the bad times that go hand in hand with homelessness.
Some have walked away from their own accommodation to return to the streets only to regret doing so after a couple of days of being back on the streets. They wish they had stayed indoors. In many cases it is too late, and they have lost that accommodation. They then start the cycle all over again.

Settling down and making friends in the community does not come easy. That is applicable to many people today, ex-homeless or not, because we live in an age of distrust.
And I agree with your comments about the church, in many cases we are seen as inferior beings and not really one of their flock. I do not think that is a conscious intention from the church. I have heard many [non homeless] people comment on this (including my late mother) who said they never felt really welcomed or comfortable at the church.

I'm rambling on here a bit I guess, but what I am trying to say is that there is no ' easy fix ' in settling down in a place to live. It all depends on the individual. That feeling of being an outsider can make you an outsider, and it's worth remembering that those living around you have problems of their own, and might well feel isolated from the community themselves for whatever reason. give them a chance to get to know you. There is a lot of bitterness in people today, but as Dominic said, there are a lot of good people out there also.

Finally, with all your experience you could benefit many users of these forums. Most of us are of the same mindset as yourself and know that feeling of rejection. Keep logging in and offer some of your stories to the forums.

[peeper]

good replies.thanks-a-lot.hey,this seems like a nice place,i think i'll loiter here awhile!

[Tom.]

It's good to hear that peeper ... you loiter as long as you like fella.

[findingmyself]

Simply put you gotta be you, and if people don't like it, shrug, you can't help that. People have biases and views that might not agree with yours. I have been honest about my situation, and people are generally accepting of it, you know. Most people know how it is. And if someone gets out of hand, just walk away. Have had a situation or too when you had to put the person talking smack in place physically, and sad it comes to that, but foolishness must be put in its place....

[janetbabin]

hi...i'm a producer at a national radio show called The Story.
I'm looking for people to share their stories with our host, on the air.
if you're interested, please contact me {here}
thanks
janet

[beatonthestreet]

Howya Janet...
welcome to the forums..

I removed your direct email contact details as we prefer to keep all communications inhouse....
This is a safety mechanism for our members as im sure you appreciate..
Certainly would be interested in hearing more about your 'show'
hope all better than good

[Jor-EL]

Most towns and cities have clubs that a person with a particular interest can join. The yearly dues for most of these clubs is usually small. 25 American dollars (whatever that equals in your country) for the year or something like that. So if you have an interest in reading books or gardening or cars or something like that, there is probably some small club nearby that will be very glad to have you as a member. You can bet your bottom dollar that if you walk in their door with cash in hand wanting to join their club, no one is going to chase you away.

The great thing about joining a club of interest is that everyone there has the same interest as you, so you have something to talk about with them.
Otherwise, it can be pretty difficult finding friends that have similar interests if you try to do it on your own.

Think of a club as a gathering of like-minded people.

I was a member of a local car club for a year or two during the 1980s. Excellent way to meet people who share similar interests and most of these clubs have parties once or twice during the year, which can be a huge amount of fun. Cook outs, dances, holiday parties, special events, etc.

[Dominic]

Spot on Jor-EL there is some great stuff you can get into via clubs (which are often non-profit / not expensive) and its a cool way to meet people with similar interests.

[Clarissa]

I've been thinking and thinking about this. It is an experience I hadn't thought of before, having to adjust to having a home.
I thought that now you were in your own place you would have less stress and a little more time to do the things that people do to make friends.
How about looking around and choosing something you like to do and would be willing to do, say, one time a week.
a sport? musical concerts? dog walking?
Some people select a particular coffee shop as a hang out place and after going there a while the regulars become familiar.
How about volunteering at the homeless shelter?
Clarissa

[HIJdotCom]

Transitioning from homeless to homed...you get a lot of relationships that fall through the cracks. There's the ones that cycle back in due to continuing 'at risk' behavior that originally led to their homelessness. There's the ones that avoid disclosing, up to the point of alienating genuine friends made prior during the time.

Being a disclosing advocate of both mental health and homelessness, it would take me deciding to 'have a life' and quit being an advocate and get a paying job out of the experience.

My recovery got to a level where I wasn't wearing my diagnosis on my sleeve, same thing with my homeless experience. I'm at a point now where I'm comfortable living within my means and can engage people without somehow 'homelessness' never being a part of the relationship.

Basically, it took a lot of hard work on my part to quit identifying I was 'that homeless person', and move on with being someone pursuing what I wanted and aspire to be.

I'm not ashamed of my past, in fact it was as happy a time as any other. It's just that it's something I feel is a third degree description when defining me.

1st degree: I'm employed as a medical professional.
2nd degree: I work with people choosing to seek recovery for their diagnoses while experiencing homelessness.
3rd degree: I'm the best candidate for the job, because I myself did just that.

Most people don't get into probing to that level, and it's something I disclose to that degree no different than I would talking about other personal matters.

It's just how I deal with it where I'm at in life. Everyone has their own method and level in or out of the experience.

What's cool is I can make friends that recognize me for what they see in front of them and of common interests, or hobbies.

[janetbabin]

Hi Everyone...the Story, a public radio show, www.thestory.org
continues to want to talk to the homeless community about dealing with life in this recession...if you'd like to be on our show, please contact me: [using inhouse facilities.. Beat]
many thanks,
janet